I don't talk about too much about it for various reasons, but I'm assuming that most of you know that we homeschool here at The Wabi-Sabi House.
We practice a type of homeschooling called unschooling. Some call it Life Learning, or Child-led Learning, or Consensual Living.
Whatever you call it, we do it, and we love it.
I cannot even begin to express how much we love the way we live, and how fortunate I consider myself to be able to live this way.
So, today I am taking a leap of faith and showing you a little bit of that side of my life.
I wrote the following post almost 3 years ago and posted in on my private unschooling blog.
I am submitting it for an unschooling Blog Carnival that starts next week.
The theme for the carnival in February is LOVE.
I chose not to edit it in any way, although I was tempted to soften it.
I can hardly read it.
It brings me back to that painful, awful day in way that is almost unbearable.
But it's worth reading because it is about love, and how brutal and ugly love can look sometimes.
It's worth reading because it is about love, and how beautiful and cleansing love can be.
It's worth reading because it's about how much grace there is in love.
It is worth reading because, at the end of the day, love wins, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.
Love Always Wins.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Love, Regret, and Pizza
I was really shitty to my boy yesterday.
I mean really shitty. Not "grouchy" or "thoughtless," but out and out mean.
It's hard to talk about, but I know that we've all done it.
I decided it might help me lay down the burden of it if I just put it out there.
I "lost it" because I had expectations and they were not met.
I wanted to go the unschooling park day and visit with friends, and I wanted Finn to play with the other children or at least just play on the playscape so I could have a chance to NOT play with him.
Well, firstly, it wasn't park day. My days have been really off for some reason (maybe this lingering flu/cough/malaise/plague?).
That put me in a grouchy mood. I wanted to connect with some mamas, especially one I have been trying to connect with for awhile.
Then Finny was really needing me to stay close. Close as in RIGHT THERE EVERY SECOND. I followed him around for a while and then I told him I was gonna sit right there and just watch while he climbed.
About, oh, 5 seconds later he came over and said he was surrrre feeling hungry and thirsty (we had plans to go eat pizza after being at the park).
At this point I was just overtaken by a demon mother.
Where she came from, I have no idea. I hope to never meet her again.
I grabbed my keys and stormed out of the park with him running behind me ... sobbing ... it got worse before it got better.
I said some ugly things that I can't even bring myself to remember much less write.
We were both crying as we drove to the pizza place.
I'm still not sure why we even went to the pizza place, but we did.
We got inside and I ordered his pizza.
I came and sat down at the table and we both started crying and crying.
I took him in my arms and rocked him while sobbing my apologies.
The sweet pizza guy boxed our food up without being asked and we drove home. We climbed on the couch and held each other for an hour.
I cried and cried and told him how terribly, terribly sorry I was.
I told him all that I thought had happened, and he listened and we talked.
He said it was all OK. That he was mad and sad, but that he knew I didn't mean what I said and that he loved me anyway.
I asked him to try and tell me how he feels when we are somewhere and he can't play without me.
HOW that feels inside him - to help me better understand.
He said, and I quote (with tears streaming down my face):
"When you're far away from me my heart feels very tiny. When I know you're close by, it feels bigger. My heart feels better when it is bigger. It feels scary when it's tiny."
SO, today we had a redo.
We went to the same park and I told him that I would stay right with him and play with him and stay just as close as he needed me.
We had a really good time.
I figure today is Day One of being the best mama I can be.
I can't do anything about yesterday that I haven't already done, but I sure can try not to do that again.
Expectations! They are just the cause of so much crap in my life.
That's my new goal - I'm trying to stay in the moment and out of expectation.
I am actually grateful for that terrible few moments.
They were a reminder to me of who and what I do not want to be.
They provided me with valuable contrast. The contrast between who I want to be and who I sometimes am.
I HATED the way I felt when I was so mad.
I choose to try and not feel that way anymore.
Now, I have this experience of "when I go to the park with Finn I need to not have any expectations of how he will play."
I have that information now and I will choose to use it.
I am growing.
Thank god my sweet son and I have a relationship that is based in love and respect so that days like this "never" happen.
I know we're not permanently wounded by my crap.
We're raw and tender, but really OK.
I am astounded by how much I love him, and even more astounded by how much he loves me.